The Midlife Man’s Guide To Dealing With Siblings

Siblings, they can be your best friends or unavoidable enemies.

Print and electronic news media love to cover stories of sibling rivalry run amok.  Stories like this, where the urge to kill overtakes the need for a hug.  If you have brothers or sisters  you know that the two emotions can run concurrently.

During my 40+ years on this planet, I’ve seen too many instances of families torn apart.  Sisters refusing to speak to each other, brothers at war over property, and sadly, the all consuming passion: “What’s in Dad’s Will for me?” or its corollary, “You shouldn’t have Mom’s _______!”  Fighting like cats and dogs when you’re a child is, for want of a better word, Childish.  Fighting like cats and dogs when everyone involved has gray hair is pathetic.

Brothers are so annoying! by Amy

Shut up sis! by .sanden

Here are the two principles to dealing with siblings: Acceptance and Resistance

First, some back story (if you’re not interested in my personal life just scroll down to Resistance.

My brother was six years older than I, my sister is 10 years older and my cousins are old enough to be parents.  To be the baby in a family of three is not so bad, but imagine being the “The Baby” of 30 people  not counting aunts and uncles.  It’s enough to push a man over the edge.  Even now, with gray hair and achy joints, I have a long line of people  trying to tell me what to do.  Chief among them my older sister. Side note: If  your sibling is 10 years older, is there any way you can NOT feel insulted when someone asks if you’re twins?

After the death of our mother, she became my sole guardian.  Our daddy was alive but never seemed to have reached adulthood.  My sister  helped me to finish high school, paid for me to go to university and when I got sick or needed an operation she handled the details.  I’ve witnessed my sister verbally drop-kick  two doctors right out of their God Complex and into rational behaviour.

The biggest problem with a sister who is more like a parent than a sibling is getting her to stop.  This is where Acceptance and Resistance come in.

Little Brother, Big Sister by Teseum

Big brother, little sister by demandj

Resistance

Welcome back those of you who skipped the back story.

Youngest children need to:

Resist the urge to be babied.  Self-Reliance  is the greatest weapon in your fight for independence.

Rebellion against the “establishment” of your family gets hackneyed quick if after every rebellious act you have to ask an older sibling for a handout.   Your urge to be financially independent should be so powerful, that if there was a choice between sleeping in a cardboard box under a freeway and handouts from relatives, you’d choose the box.

Older children need  to:

Question the  belief that they are always right.  Yes, you have more life experience but do yourself  a favour and shut up about it.  Some things your younger siblings need to learn for themselves.  In other cases, older siblings just don’t “get it.”  They can’t because they belong to a different generation altogether.  In my case, my sister is a Baby Boomer and I’m Generation X.   We experience the world from different cohorts, which is why our viewpoints vary.

Resist the brainwashing of your parents. You don’t always have to offer the helping hand.  In some cases it will only make your younger siblings, needy and irresponsible.  The word “NO” is just as powerful to a 40-year-old as it is to a four-year old.  Practice saying it.  In the short-term, it will cause resentment but if the reason is logical it can be forgiven.

Acceptance

Birth Order is what it is.  Personality traits begin to develop in children before they can walk or speak.  It’s okay to rebel against your status in the family but don’t expect everyone to play along.  Accept the personality flaws of your siblings,  the same way you do with your friends.

Understand that given the opportunity everyone will revert to their default state of, victim, victor, big bro, lil sis.  In the interest of long-term harmony refuse to accept the default setting of your family.

As For Me

My sister and I now live miles apart.  After years of training, I’ve become more self-reliant and she has gotten more tolerant of my happy-go-lucky attitude.  Our extended family no longer assumes that I’ll be irresponsible and she’ll speak for both of us on family matters.  We are friendlier now than we were as children.

The process didn’t happen overnight.  It won’t happen overnight in your case either, but the outcome is worth the effort, because at the end of it all, you’re family.

Brother and Sister in Black and White by CameliaTWU

That’s it dear reader.  Let me know what techniques you use to deal with your siblings in  the comment section.